Published on February 14, 2023

Feeling Connected Through the Five Love Languages

mom giving toddler teddy bear

We spend our daily lives on the go – from balancing work, school activities, family duties and of course, the on-going evolution of technology – the need of feeling connected to your loved ones is more important than ever.

But how do we stay connected through the hustle and bustle of life? One way to do this is by knowing yours and your loved one's love language.

Dr. Gary Chapman, author of The 5 Love Languages®, began noticing patterns in the couples that he was counseling and developed the love languages to find out how we give and receive love in the hopes of understanding your partner.

The Love Languages

1. Acts of Service

Acts of service are simple yet nice things you can do for your loved one that will make them feel seen and appreciated.

This could be helping with chores, running errands, cooking dinner after a stressful day or even spending time with the kids while they kick their feet up.

For someone with this love language "actions speak louder than words" and will notice the little things you do for them.

2. Words of Affirmation

Someone whose love language is words of affirmation, feel loved through praise, compliments and words of encouragement.

Phrases like "I am so proud of you," "I know you've been working hard and it's really been paying off" or even "you look so handsome/beautiful" mean the world to this person.

3. Quality Time

Quality time is exactly how it sounds, having uninterrupted time with your loved one. When someone is present, focused and actively listening when you're together, that is when they feel most loved.

Someone with this love language believe that "quality over quantity." This can be through dedicated date nights, activities with friends and putting down your phones to enjoy each other's company.

4. Physical Touch

If someone's primary love language is physical touch, they feel most loved through acts of physical affection. Aside from sexual intimacy, holding hands, massages, hugs and cuddling are all examples of physical touch.

5. Receiving Gifts

For someone who's love language is gifts, they feel affection when their partner goes out of their way to gift them something. But that doesn't mean they are expecting a car or the newest iPhone.

If your primary love language is receiving gifts, you're more interested in the effort and thoughtfulness of the gift rather than the price.

How Feeling Connected Strengthens Relationships

To better understand how love languages can help strengthen your close relationships, we learn more from expert, Kristy Brewer Sherman, Ph.D., clinical psychologist at EvergreenHealth Neuropsychological Services.

"Communication and especially listening, are so important to a good, fulfilling and intimate relationship," says Dr. Sherman.

"Be curious and open, inviting your partner to let you know what they want or need. When asking your partner for what you need, be specific—they can't read your mind—and focus on asking for what you want. For example, "I really like it when you do x" rather than "why don't you ever do x?!"'

When listening, pay attention and check in with them to be sure you are understanding each other. We all think we're listening, but good, healthy, active listening means that you're fully present – look away from your phones and laptops and look each other in the eyes, asking clarifying questions like "tell me more about that," reflecting back what you hear to make sure your partner knows they are understood, and being non-critical, non-judgmental, accepting, understanding and empathic.

Remember too, that needs can change over time and even day to day or within a day. For example, your partner might generally prefer one type of expression of love, say physical touch, but on a given day, might need something else, such as words of affirmation, appreciation, or acts of service.

Communicating clearly and feeling listened to and understood can help strengthen relationships and increase intimacy which in turn are good for mental and physical health.

Finding Out Your Love Languages and Applying Your Relationships

When applying this to your everyday life, remember that this doesn't only apply to significant others. The love languages can be practiced in all close relationships including friends and family.

Since love languages can also change depending on the situation, communication is key, so make sure to check in with your loved ones and ask what they need.

So, are you ready to figure out what your primary love language is? You can take an online quiz to discover your love language, what it means and how you can use it to better connect with your loved ones.

Kristin Brewer Sherman, PhD

Dr. Kristy Brewer Sherman's clinical interests include adjustment to illness and injury, pain management, treatment of anxiety and depression in the context of medical illness, and improving health/wellness.

Read Dr. Brewer Sherman's full profile