Healing Reminders for Grieving During the Holiday Season

For those who have experienced the death of someone close, the holiday season often seems to intensify those difficult feelings.

EvergreenHealth's grief and bereavement experts shared these ideas that may help you heal while you navigate the season.

12 Healing Reminders

1: Practice everyday wellness

• Resting and getting plenty of sleep
• Regular exercise
• A balanced, healthy diet
• Avoiding alcohol or drugs to mask the pain
• Being with people who support and nourish you

2: Have a plan and prioritize

Having a plan is not going to take away the pain of the loss, but it will help you avoid getting blindsided by it. 

For example, if your loved one always carved the Thanksgiving turkey, plan who will do it this year. Consider planning to make it a ceremonial transfer of responsibility, if you are comfortable with it.

Plan which things you feel you absolutely must do and what you can give up. You may decide that you absolutely must still have the grandchildren over, but you might want to skip sending out holiday cards.

3: Don't do things just because they're expected of you

You may have always led the committee for the gift-wrapping booth at the mall. Do not pressure yourself to do it this year. You do not owe an explanation to anyone unless you want to. An easy and appropriate explanation if you're not comfortable sharing is to say, "Not this year."

4: Accept and ask for help

Don't try to do it all alone. If you want a Christmas tree, don't hesitate to ask someone else to set it up and decorate it for you (and take it down afterward!). Tell people what they can do to help.

5: Accept that you'll have pain

Again, nothing is going to take away the pain of your loss. Carry tissues with you; tell people you are with that you might cry and invite them to cry with you.

Accept the intensity and the range of emotions: anger, panic, depression, regrets, loneliness as well as physical symptoms. All of these emotions and how they are expressed are natural effects of grief.

6: Don't be afraid to change traditions

Some traditions and memories may be too much. If there are certain traditions that are so definitively tied up with your loved one - that no one else can do or that you could not bear to see them do - change the tradition.

Get new decorations, a new menorah, a new turkey platter, or change the times of events. It may just be for this year, but do what feels the most comfortable now.

7: Create new traditions

Perhaps you have thought about starting something new for some time. This might be a good year to start that new tradition.

If you're not sure where to start, talk to your loved ones or do some research and see if there are some ideas that stand out to you.

8: Consider some type of memorial or remembrance to your loved one

Make a donation in your loved one's name. Hang a Christmas stocking to hold notes written by family. Make a toast or light a candle. Have a place setting for the person with a beautiful flower or special token on the plate. Buy a gift for your loved one and give it to someone who otherwise would not be getting a gift.

9: Don't try retail therapy

Overindulging others with gifts will not take the hurt away and could just leave you in debt. This is the perfect time to give yourself the gift of simplicity and the joy that comes with it.

On the other hand, if there are gifts you want to buy but find the mall overwhelming, online or catalog shopping may be a more comfortable alternative.

10: Don't isolate yourself

Accept a few invitations - perhaps those from close family or friends. Choose the ones that sound most appealing at the time, but tell the hostess you may have to cancel or leave early.

You are not obligated to stay.

Don't feel bad if you shed a few tears or break down in grief. It might provide others the freedom to express their grief.

11: Share your favorite stories

Instead of trying to push back memories of the person you are grieving this holiday, ask friends and family members to share recollections of the person with photographs, stories, and mementos.

Too often people with the best intentions will not talk about the loved one in front of you, thinking that it will cause you extra pain. You can set the tone for how much and when you want to talk.

12: Prepare yourself for January

Sometimes the aftermath of the holidays can bring more sadness than the holidays themselves. Continue the self-care, planning and acknowledgment of your grief into the new year.